My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
