oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
