Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
