The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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