I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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