dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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