I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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