Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize