Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
