then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I FOUND THE LEGS
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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