i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
