mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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