We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
