Plan B is the new Plan A
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
