homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
