I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
