I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
