It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
