U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
