rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
