I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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