i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
