while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
