I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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