Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
