barbara walters just said penis...
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
