My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize