I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am full of burrito and curiosity
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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