We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
