my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize