i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
