Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
