My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
