just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
