I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
