I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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