Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
