Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
