Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
