So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
