So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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