the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
