just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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