So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
