you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
