Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
