I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
