Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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