2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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