okay pat passed out under dana's car
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
