I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
