It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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