i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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