that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
