I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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