He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
