I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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