I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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